best one liners

Best One Liners

Best One Liners – Top One Line Jokes & Puns

Our list of one line jokes are curated by the bunch of comedians that make up the ADDucation team but you can join the fun and share your best one liners in the comments. Any one line jokes that make us LOL (laugh out loud) will be promoted to the main ADDucation jokes list.

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with” One of the best one liners by American comedian W. C. Fields.

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Best One Liners / One Line JokesSourceTags / TopicsJoke Notes
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything”bar, transport
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.bar, money
A horse goes into a bar. The barman says “Why the long face?”relationships, animals
What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys everybody a drink? – A fungi* to be with.bar, food*fungi = “fun guy”
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.people
Bring me a crocodile sandwich and make it snappy!food, animals
Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was assaulted.bar, foodassaulted = a salted peanut
Always remember that you’re unique, just like everyone else.relationships, people
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here”bar, food
I told a girl she had drawn her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.think twice, people
A dyslexic penguin walks into a bra.bar, clothing, animals
I recently replaced our bed with a trampoline – my wife hit the roof when she found out!people, relationships, marriage
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do I drive this thing?”animals, transport
I’ll never forget what my late uncle said to me, he said, I’m sorry I’m latemacabre, death, family
I’m not being condescending. I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.Jimmy Carrthink twice
Venison’s dear isn’t it?Jimmy Carrthink twice, animals
You know what I want to try? Fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re wasting time.Mitch Hedbergfood, time
So she phones me last night, and says “Come on over, no one’s home!” I got there, and there was no one home.Rodney Dangerfieldrelationships
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a shih tzu.animalstzu = zoo
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.think twice
Have you ever got half way through eating a horse and thought, I’m not as hungry as I thought I was?animals, food
I organized a threesome last night. There were a few no-shows, but I still had fun.relationships
I don’t have a girlfriend, but I do know a girl who would get angry if she heard me say that.Mitch Hedbergrelationships
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.Jack Handey / Bob Monkhousemacabre, people
Spent the last three days alone trying to learn escapology. I need to get out more.Pete Firmanpeople, jobsEdinburgh Fringe, 2016
Did I already tell you the Déjà vu joke?think twice
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.motoring, addiction
“We don’t serve time travelers here,” said the bartender. A time traveler walks into a bar.bar, time
A man walks past a fridge and thinks he can hear onions singing Bee Gee’s songs but on opening the fridge he discovered it was only the chives talkin’food, music, kitchenOne of Rachel’s best one liners.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.Maurice Mossgardening, think twicePlayed by Richard Ayoade in The IT Crowd
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? Don’t know, don’t care.think twice
A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar and the bartender says to them, “what is this… a joke?”bar, religion
No one turned up to the first meeting of my Sarcasm Club – despite loads of people saying how much they were looking forward to it…Milton JonespeopleOne of Milton Jones best one liners.
The first guy who persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses – he must have been a hell of a salesman.Jimmy Carrsales
I didn’t know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.people, jobs
I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious.Steven Wrighthome
Dad always said that laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died from tuberculosis.Jack Handeymacabre, health
The secret of getting ahead is getting started.Mark Twainthink twice
Quotation, noun: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated.Ambrose Bierce: American writer and satiristthink twiceFrom: The Devil’s Dictionary
When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.wordplay, shopping
I’d rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.bar, wordplay, health
A short fortune teller escaped from prison: a small medium at large.wordplay, prison
Besides that, Mrs Lincoln, how was the rest of the play?think twice, president
All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.Steven Wrightspecial powers
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.wordplay, photography
I was watching a dog chasing its tail thinking “dogs are easily amused” and then I realized I was watching a dog chasing its tail.animals, think twice
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, “Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”family, death
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.physics, science
I went up to the airport information desk. I said: “How many airports are there in the world?”Jimmy Carrtravel, planes
On the other hand, you have different fingerswordplay, body
A woman walks into a bar and says I’d like a double entendre, so the barman gave her one.bar, think twice
Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t…bar, physics, science, think twice
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.Jack Handeywordplay, animals
I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10.Mark Watsonpeople, relationshipsEdinburgh Fringe, 2016
How Long is a Chinese name.think twice, wordplay
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.Steven Wrightpeople, life
I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.Groucho Marxrelationships, people
The first rule of Tautology Club is the first rule of Tautology Club.think twice
Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.Jordan Brookesthink twice, health
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.grammar, Christmas
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.Demetri Martinthink twice, health
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.Tommy Cooperdiets, drinks
When I was a little kid we had a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.Steven Wrightmacabre, people, family
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.Mitch Hedbergsleep, health
There are 2 secrets to success in life. Firstly, don’t tell all you know.life & death
Some people say I’m too vague, but you know how the saying goes…think twice, people
Conjunctivitis.org, now that’s a site for sore eyes…think twice, health
I bought some Armageddon beer, on the bottle it said Best before the End…think twice, drinks
Crime in multi-storey car parks is wrong on so many different levels…motoring, crime
Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.Jordan Brookesthink twice, health, special powersEdinburgh Fringe, 2016
‘The crows seemed to be calling his name,’ thought Caw.Jack Handey
I got a belt on that’s holding up my pants, and the pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What’s going on here? Who is the real hero?puzzle
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, “Pass the salt.” I said, “Screw you! Sit closer to the salt.”people

Tears in the Rain Monologue ADDucation’s Bladerunner Tribute

I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.
Explorer and Netscape in the first Browser Wars.
Connected to remote Bulletin Boards before the www.
Searched for web pages using Alta Vista.
Endured self-replicating pop-up windows and uninstalled Dreamweaver.
All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain.
Time to die.

Original Tears in the Rain Monologue From Bladerunner

Do you know the original source for any of these one line jokes? Help us reach 100 best one liners by sharing your favorite one line joke in the comments below – if we like your favorite one liner we’ll add it to the main list – thank you!


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