Best One Liners 😂
Best One Liners 😂 The Best 1 Line Jokes of All-Time
Our list of the best one line jokes of all time are curated by the bunch of comedians that make up the ADDucation team. However you can have your say by sharing your best one liners in the comments below. Make us laugh and we’ll add your best 1 liner to the main ADDucation one line jokes list.
- This list of best one liners of all time is curated by A C and last updated .
ADDucation Tips: Click column headings with arrows to sort best one liners. Reload page for original sort order. Resize your browser to full screen and/or zoom out to display as many columns as possible. Click the ➕ icon to reveal any hidden columns. Start typing in the Filter table box to find anything inside the table. For example to find all the best oneliners about food start typing food…
| Best One-Liners / One Line Jokes 😂 | Joke Source | Filter tags / topics | 1 Line Joke Notes |
|---|---|---|---|
| Have you heard the one about the man who kept shouting “broccoli” and “cauliflower”? He thought he might have florets. | Olaf Falafel | Food, vegetables | Swedish surrealist. Best joke at Edinburgh Fringe, 2019 |
| A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything” | Bar, transport | ||
| If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. | Bar, money | ||
| I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah. | Lorna Rose Treen | Relationships, animals | English comedian. Best joke at Edinburgh Fringe 2023 #EdFringe |
| A horse goes into a bar. The barman says “Why the long face?” | Relationships, animals | ||
| What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys everybody a drink? – A fungi* to be with. | Bar, food | *Fungi* = “fun guy”. | |
| A limbo champion walks into a bar, and was immediately disqualified. | Bar, sport and think twice | ||
| Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. | People | ||
| I was raised as an only child – which really annoyed my sister. | Will Marsh | People, family | British comedian. |
| Bring me a crocodile sandwich and make it snappy! | Food, animals | One of the classic best one liners. | |
| Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was assaulted. | Bar, food | Assaulted = a salted peanut | |
| Always remember that you’re unique, just like everyone else. | Relationships, people | ||
| A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here” | Bar, food | ||
| I told a girl she had drawn her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised. | Think twice, people | ||
| A dyslexic penguin walks into a bra. | Bar, clothing and animals. | There are many variations on this theme. | |
| I recently replaced our bed with a trampoline – my wife hit the roof when she found out! | People, relationships and marriage | ||
| Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do I drive this thing?” | Animals, transport | ||
| I’ll never forget what my late uncle said to me, he said, I’m sorry I’m late. | Macabre, death, family | ||
| I’m not being condescending. I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand. | Jimmy Carr | Think twice | British comedian. |
| Venison’s dear isn’t it? | Jimmy Carr | Think twice, animals | British comedian. |
| You know what I want to try? Fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re wasting time. | Mitch Hedberg | Food, time | |
| So she phones me last night, and says “Come on over, no one’s home!” I got there, and there was no one home. | Rodney Dangerfield | Relationships | |
| A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a shih tzu. | Animals | tzu = zoo. | |
| It’s hard explaining puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally. | Think twice, stealing | ||
| I organized a threesome last night. There were a few no-shows, but I still had fun. | Relationships | ||
| My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed. | Rich Rogers | The internet, relationships and privacy | Tweeted 1 June 2019 |
| Have you ever got half way through eating a horse and thought, I’m not as hungry as I thought I was? | Animals, food | ||
| I don’t have a girlfriend, but I do know a girl who would get angry if she heard me say that. | Mitch Hedberg | Relationships | |
| I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming in terror like his passengers. | Jack Handey / Bob Monkhouse | Macabre, people | |
| Spent the last three days alone trying to learn escapology. I need to get out more. | Pete Firman | People, jobs | Edinburgh Fringe, 2016 #EdFringe |
| Did I already tell you the Déjà vu joke? | Think twice | ||
| I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime. | Motoring, addiction | One of ADDucation’s favorite one-liners. | |
| “We don’t serve time travelers here,” said the bartender. A time traveler walks into a bar. | Bar, time travel | ||
| I told a friend of mine I liked Beyoncé. She said “Whatever floats your boat”, I said “No, that’s buoyancy…” | Music, celebrity, nautical | ||
| Ok, so what if I don’t know what Armageddon means it’s not the end of the world. | Vocabulary, word play, world. | ||
| A man walks past a fridge and thinks he can hear onions singing Bee Gee’s songs but on opening the fridge he discovered it was only the chives talkin’ | Food, music, kitchen | One of our friend Rachel’s best one liners :/ | |
| I’m reading a great book about an immortal dog – I’m finding it impossible to put down. | Animals, books | ||
| As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens. | Maurice Moss | Gardening, think twice | Played by Richard Ayoade in The IT Crowd |
| What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? Don’t know, don’t care. | Think twice | ||
| A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar and the bartender says to them, “what is this… a joke?” | Bar, religion | ||
| No one turned up to the first meeting of my Sarcasm Club – despite loads of people saying how much they were looking forward to it… | Milton Jones | People | One of Milton Jones best one liners. |
| Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid negative numbers? He (or she) would stop at nothing to avoid them. | Maths | ||
| The first guy who persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses – he must have been a hell of a salesman. | Jimmy Carr | Sales | British comedian. |
| I didn’t know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. | People, jobs | ||
| I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious. | Steven Wright | Home | American comedian. |
| Dad always said that laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died from tuberculosis. | Jack Handey | Macabre, health | |
| The secret of getting ahead is getting started. | Mark Twain | Think twice | |
| Someone stole my thesaurus – I just can’t describe how angry I am! | Literature | Many thesaurus joke variations. | |
| The worst thesaurus in the world isn’t just useless, it’s useless. | Wordplay, literature | ||
| Quotation, noun: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated. | Ambrose Bierce | Think twice | . From: The Devil’s Dictionary |
| The world champion tongue twister just got arrested and was given a really tough sentence. | Tongue twister, language | ||
| When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall. | Wordplay, shopping | ||
| I’d rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. | Bar, wordplay and health | One of the classic best one liners ever. | |
| A short fortune teller escaped from prison – a small medium is at large. | Wordplay, prison | ||
| Besides that, Mrs Lincoln, how was the rest of the play? | Think twice, president | ||
| All those who believe in psychokinesis… raise my hand. | Steven Wright | Special powers | American comedian |
| He had a photographic memory which was never developed. | Wordplay, photography | ||
| I was watching a dog chasing its tail thinking “dogs are easily amused” and then I realized I was watching a dog chasing its tail. | Animals, think twice | ||
| I hate funerals. I’m not a mourning person. | Will Mars | People, death | English comedian. #EdFringe2022 |
| I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, “Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?” | Family, death | ||
| I’m reading a book about anti-gravity – I can’t put it down. | Physics, science | One of the best one liners about physics. | |
| I went up to the airport information desk and said: “How many airports are there in the world?” | Jimmy Carr | Travel, planes | British comedian |
| On the other hand, you have different fingers. | Wordplay, body | ||
| A woman walks into a bar and says I’d like a double entendre, so the barman gave her one. | Bar, think twice | ||
| It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. | Woody Allen | Death, movie quotes | Movie “Without Feathers” 1975 |
| Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar… and doesn’t. | Bar, physics, science and think twice | ||
| The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. | Jack Handey | Wordplay, animals | |
| I’ve been happily married for four years… out of a total of ten. | Mark Watson | People, relationships | Edinburgh Fringe, 2016 |
| Who designed King Arthur’s round table? Sir Cumference of course! | Mythology, mathematics and wordplay | ||
| The past, the present and the future walk into a bar. It was tense. | Bar, grammar and time travel | ||
| I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that’s four hours of my life that I’m definitely getting back. | Olaf Falafel | Time travel, machines, sci-fi | Surrealist comedian. One of the best one liners about time travel. #EdFringe2022 |
| Me: I’m terrified of the vertical axis Therapist: Why? Me: [FX Screams] | Therapy, mathematics | ||
| I intend to live forever. So far, so good. | Steven Wright | People, life | American comedian |
| I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception. | Groucho Marx | Relationships, people | One of the classic best one liners ever. |
| The first rule of Tautology Club is the first rule of Tautology Club. | Think twice | ||
| Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask. | Jordan Brookes | Think twice, health | |
| Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses. | Christmas, grammar | One of the best one liners about grammar. | |
| The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. | Demetri Martin | Think twice, health | |
| I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already. | Tommy Cooper | Diets, drinks | |
| When I was a kid we had a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually. | Steven Wright | Macabre, people and family | American comedian |
| I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long. | Mitch Hedberg | Sleep, health | |
| There are two secrets to success in life. First of all, don’t tell all you know… | Life & death, think twice | One of the best one liners to leave hanging… | |
| Some people say I’m too vague, but you know how the saying goes… | Think twice, people | ||
| My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that… | Stewart Francis | People, therapy | Canadian comedian |
| Conjunctivitis.org, now that’s a site for sore eyes… | Tim Vine | Think twice, eye health | |
| I bought some Armageddon beer, on the bottle it said Best before the End. | Think twice, drinks | One of the best one liners about Armageddon. | |
| Crime in multi-storey car parks is wrong on so many different levels… | Tim Vine | Motoring, crime | |
| Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask. | Jordan Brookes | Think twice, mental health and special powers | Edinburgh Fringe, 2016 |
| ‘The crows seemed to be calling his name,’ thought Caw. | Jack Handey | Birds, paranoia | |
| I got a belt on that’s holding up my pants, and the pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What’s going on here? Who is the real hero? | Puzzle, think twice | ||
| I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, “Pass the salt.” I said, “Screw you! Sit closer to the salt.” | People |
“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with” One of the best one liners ever by American comedian W. C. Fields.
- Do you know the original source for any of these funny one liners? We credit original authors wherever possible.
Help ADDucation Reach 101 Best Ever One Liners
Share your favorite one line jokes in the comments below so we can reach 101 best one liners…
During lockdown I’m updating a community centre’s Facebook page with a joke a day. Of all the one line jokes here the Bee Gees one is the only one I’m nicking – but only because I’ve already used some of the others. I believe “conjunctivitis.org” and “crime in multi-storey car parks” should both be credited to British comedian Tim Vine.
Thanks John, I’ve credited Tim Vine with those two. Share your favorite one-liner with us then!
Thank you for the best one-liner you sent me – the one about the Titanic went down best
You’re welcome, but I’m left with that sinking feeling…
This website was… how do I say it? Relevant!! Finally I’ve found something which helped me. Thanks!|
This: “A man walks past a fridge and thinks he can hear onions singing Bee Gee’s songs but on opening the fridge he discovered it was only the chives talkin’”… what the hell is that doing in your list? Kudos for many of the rest, but sheeshhhh!
Thanks Percy, it was one of our friends favorite one-liners, I’ll let her know you’re not impressed.